Attachment Styles: How They Can Make or Break Your Relationships

Source: The Gottmann Institute

Developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, Attachment Theory, suggests that there are several different attachment styles, which we will discuss a bit later. But in essence, attachments styles can profoundly affect your relationships.

So, what is an attachment style and how exactly can it affect your relationships?

In essence, it’s a scientific explanation for how and why you emotionally attach to other people (or don’t). And, it all starts very early in your life.

How people develop their attachment styles

Our attachment styles develop very early in life – in infancy. Babies are dependent on their parents not only for physical survival, but they also need to emotionally bond with them too. Sometimes parents provide emotional support for their children, and sometimes they don’t.

For example, if an infant and child’s basic emotional needs aren’t met, they will eventually learn not to trust people because their own parents aren’t trustworthy. Babies and children need affection, comfort, and nurturing. 

Most parents meet their infants’ emotional needs at least at some level by holding them, feeding them, and talking to them. But if some babies and children don’t get this, they will lack the ability to attach to other people. And if they don’t get it growing up, it can negatively affect their relationships later in life.

Source: Harley Clinical Psychology

Is your attachment style affecting your relationships?

If you find that you are always having problems in relationships – especially romantic relationships – and you don’t know what to do about it, learning about your attachment style can really help. Your style plays a huge role in all your relationships.

Now, let’s discuss the different types of attachment styles so you can learn which category you fall into.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

We’ve all known people who we would classify as “needy” or “clingy” in a relationship. They constantly need to be in touch via text, phone, social media, and seeing the other person face-to-face. This is what is called the anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

These kinds of people might have a fear of abandonment by other people. They also might fear that their romantic partner might cheat on them, or their best friend will find another best friend. This is rooted in their childhood experiences, and this is lead them to not love themselves as much as they should.

Source: Insider

The reason a person might be like this is because their parents didn’t give them the love and affection they needed as a baby and child. As a result, because they weren’t trustworthy and dependable, the person grows up thinking all people are like that. They might even internalize it and think there is something inherently wrong with them.

People with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style usually develop a chaser-chasee power dynamic. In other words, they chase after people in order to not be abandoned. Some of the people will actually run away because of this clingy/chasing behavior. And as a result, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: they chase, and people run away because they chase.

This attachment style can create a lot of challenges and problems in relationships. If they are with someone who doesn’t experience the same kind of anxiety, then the other person won’t understand their need for constant attention. 

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style

This attachment style is the opposite of the anxious-preoccupied style. While the anxious-preoccupied is the “chaser” in the relationship, the dismissive-avoidant one is the “runner.” In other words, they’re trying to avoid attachment and are uncomfortable being emotionally attached to another person.

Parents of a dismissive-avoidant person also weren’t dependable. This person didn’t get their emotional needs met as a child. Because of this, they learned that people aren’t dependable, and you can’t count on them.

So, they decide that they have to protect themselves by avoiding any kind of emotional attachment. They think this will keep them from the pain and hurt of disappointment in a relationship.

Source: Parenting for Brain

In case you haven’t already suspected, a relationship between an anxious-preoccupied (“chaser”) person and a dismissive-avoidant one (“runner”) can be an emotional roller coaster – and not in a good way. The chaser is always begging for attention and affection, and the runner is always running away trying to avoid giving it. This emotional dynamic is very unhealthy.

Secure Attachment Style

When someone has a secure attachment style, they tend to have high self-worth. They aren’t afraid to emotionally connect and attach to other people. And they are also comfortable with people who attach themselves to them.

These kinds of people were usually raised by loving parents who satisfied their emotional needs and were trustworthy and dependable. Because of this, as adults, they trust other people and see being emotionally close to other people as an advantage, not a disadvantage.

Secure attachers are neither the “chaser” or the “runner.” They don’t see the point. They see their own self-worth, and they think that they deserve love and respect in a relationship. If they don’t get their needs met, then they will look for someone who can meet them with no hard feelings.

Source: The Gottmann Institute

How to improve your attachment style 

Do you think that your attachment style is causing a problem in your relationships? If so, there are things you can do to try to make them healthier.

First, don’t expect yourself to change overnight. It took your whole life to form your attachment style, so it will take time to change them. So, be patient with yourself.

Second, communicate with the people you’re in a relationship with. Let them know that you think you have a particular attachment style, and you’re trying to improve it. Also, ask what they think their attachment style is and how the two of you can understand each other.

Finally, you can seek professional help if you can afford to. It’s difficult to make these positive changes on your own sometimes. Having a trained counselor or therapist help you through your journey can be very effective.

Just remember, you can overcome your attachment issues if they’re causing problems in your life. It will take effort, but I you put in the work, you will definitely be happy you did.