Publication date January 5, 2024
Feeling Insecure & Jealous in Your Relationship? Here’s How to Deal With It
Everyone gets jealous and insecure from time to time. It’s just human nature. You probably know what it feels like when the little green monster of jealousy rears its ugly head.
No one likes feeling like this, so how can we overcome these awful feelings and have a successful, happy and healthy relationship?
It’s not always easy, but the good news is that jealousy in relationships can definitely be overcome.
How to Deal with Insecurity and Jealousy in Your Relationship
Just because you have a track record of being jealous in relationships doesn’t mean that you are doomed to feel that way your entire life.
There are things you can do to try to overcome these insecure feelings so you can have a healthy relationship. Let’s take a look at them.
Examine how you feel about human nature and your relationship in general
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might have learned some very negative patterns for being in relationships. For better or for worse, we learn how to behave in relationships from observing how our parents did it. They are our role models.
Therefore, if you had parents who did not have a happy marriage and they were constantly suspicious and jealous of the other person, then you will probably grow up with the assumption that most people are untrustworthy. Of course, this is far from the truth. However, it may have accidentally become your truth.
Observe and recognize your jealous and insecure thoughts
First of all, you can’t change what you don’t recognize. You might think that being jealous and insecure are obvious feelings. While they typically are, just knowing you have them won’t automatically change them.
What you need to do is try to look at your thoughts as objectively as you can. And from there, temporarily accept them.
Pretend like you are a friend of yours giving you advice. It’s much easier to give other people advice than it is to ourselves, right? If you can re-frame your thoughts from a logical point of view, that is the first step to changing them.
Try to figure out where your insecurities come from
These feelings come from somewhere. They don’t just magically appear in your mind for no reason.
For example, they could be rooted in your childhood. Perhaps your dad had a string of affairs on your mom, and so that’s what you saw growing up. If this is the case, then it’s natural that you would think that “all men cheat.”
Or maybe the insecure feelings come from your own experiences. You might have been burned by your first love, and because of that, you find it difficult to trust people.
It doesn’t matter where these thoughts come from, but it will help you if you can pinpoint the underlying cause.
Remember that your thoughts aren’t necessarily facts or the truth
One main problem people have in life is believing every thought that goes through their mind.
Just because you think something, that doesn’t make it true! For example, you might believe that the government is spying on you, but that doesn’t mean it really is. (Perhaps, but maybe not.)
So, you need to acknowledge that these thoughts of insecurity and jealousy might, in fact, be false.
Try to examine them and see if you can eliminate any of them based on that theory.
Source: The Confidence
Don’t compare yourself to other people
Another huge way that we arrive at our insecurities is comparing ourselves to other people. We look at other people and think how much more attractive they are, or that their personality is better, or they make more money than us.
You have to stop comparing yourself to others because you are uniquely YOU. Embrace yourself!
If you absolutely have to compare yourself to others, then compare yourself to people who you perceive to be worse off than you. Not to judge them, but to put your thoughts into perspective. If you do this, you will be able to appreciate yourself and your life a lot more.
Don’t control your partner
It’s almost instinctual to try to limit your partner’s actions when you feel jealous or insecure. You want to know where they are, when they are coming home, and who they are talking to.
But this will only drive them away from you. No one wants to feel like they are controlled and not trusted.
Even though you are jealous, let them live their life freely. Don’t be a micromanager of their life.
Write down all of your positive qualities
Our insecurities come from thinking we are not “good enough” for the other person. But everyone has good qualities, you just need to take the time to recognize them.
Write down everything about yourself that you consider to be good. That will help you realize all the reasons that you don’t have to be insecure or jealous.
Do the same with your partner. When we are jealous, we tend to focus on negative thoughts – not only about ourselves, but about them too. So, write down all the good qualities they possess. That way, your mind won’t wander into unwanted territory.
Don’t react emotionally all the time
Many people don’t have a “filter.” In other words, if they have a thought, it immediately comes out of their mouth. Or if they have a negative emotion, they will act upon it without giving it any rational thought.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “think before you speak.” Well, that’s brilliant advice!
Think before you speak – and act. Try to have enough self-control to not say or do anything you will regret because you might make the situation worse if you do.
Talk to your partner about your feelings
There is no shame in admitting that you are feeling insecure or jealous to your partner. As I said before, we’re all human and will feel this way from time to time.
But maybe your partner doesn’t know you’re feeling that way…they are not mind readers! So, it’s important to share your feelings.
You need to do it in a calm, rational, and peaceful way. You can’t yell, scream, and name-call because it will have the opposite effect.
When you talk about things in a positive manner, you both can take steps in the relationship to try to alleviate your insecurities.
Love yourself so you’re not fearful of losing them
One last thing at the core of our jealousy and insecurities is not loving ourselves, and that leads to the fear of being alone.
In fact, many people would rather stay in toxic relationships than be alone. Why? Why would you want to be treated like crap from someone else just so you can be in a relationship?
You shouldn’t do that.
Love yourself enough to have higher standards. Once you are comfortable in your own skin and won’t settle for anything less than you deserve, that’s when you will become more confident. And then your fears and insecurities will slowly disappear altogether.
As you might suspect by now, getting rid of insecurities and jealousy in a relationship has very little to do with the other person, and everything to do with you.
You need to love and value yourself. If you do, then you will most likely attract higher quality people who are naturally trustworthy.
And even if you don’t, you won’t hesitate to walk away from anyone who isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q. How to express jealousy in a positive way?
While jealousy can feel like a negative emotion mostly, there are a few ways to express it healthily and constructively. Here are some tips to help you express jealousy positively:
- Start With Some Personal Introspection
- Ground Yourself Before the Conversation
- Share Concerns, Not Accusations
- Celebrate their success
- Be Patient and Compassionate
Q. Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?
Yes, a little jealousy is not bad or unhealthy in a relationship. Like our other emotions, Jealousy is a normal emotion and it can tell us something about ourselves and what we need exactly. In a relationship, jealousy can be just a sign that there's something you need to communicate to your partner about your insecurities, needs, boundaries, and desires.
Q. How to not be jealous of the other woman?
As women, we are trained to compare each other from an early age. Society and past experiences have taught us to judge our bodies, love lives, careers, social lives, homes, and everything else. These measurements eventually become obstacles we feel we have to keep proving to ourselves and others. Dealing with jealousy towards another woman can be challenging, but there are some healthy and constructive ways to handle these emotions. Here are a few tips to not be jealous of the other woman:
- Focus on your strengths
- Recognize your worth
- Communicate openly
- Support each other
- Seek common ground
- Practice gratitude
Q. Why do I get jealous when my husband looks at other girls?
There can be several reasons why you get jealous when your husband looks at other girls, the most common reasons include, insecurity, fear of loss, communication gaps, and past negative experiences related to relationships. While the reason can be anything, it’s important to tell him how you feel when he looks at other girls. You can say "When you X, I feel Y” and tell him when he looks at women's bodies, it makes you feel jealous, angry, or disrespected.
Q. Why do I get so jealous?
If you often feel jealousy, worry that your partner fancies someone else, or you feel an urge to check their text messages for signs of disloyalty, may be because you have low self-esteem, or because you’re insecure about your relationship. But, when your jealousy is causing you problems, it’s important to remind yourself that it’s a normal human emotion, and it shows that you care about your partner or friend. And when you share your feelings with them, they might even be touched to know how much they matter to you and change their behavior.
Q. How to deal with jealous people?
Dealing with jealous people can be a challenging task but with the right approach, you can maintain your boundaries and protect your peace of mind. Below are a few tips to consider when dealing with jealous people.
- Limit engagement
- Focus on your own happiness
- Be direct
- Know when to distance yourself from them
- Offer support
- Talk to trusted friends or family
Q. How to make someone jealous?
To make someone jealous, find subtle ways to brag about yourself. Too much bragging may feel awkward to you, so find ways to work small brags into day-to-day conversations, and talk about what you have accomplished in a way that makes you look gracious. Posting photos and videos from your recent trips on social media can also make them feel jealous.
Q. Why am I so insecure in my relationship?
You may experience insecurity in your relationship due to low self-confidence, and you may not believe you’re worthy of the love or support of your partner. Low self-confidence can often be a result of past experiences like being bullied, teased, or abused in childhood.
Q. How to deal with insecurities in a relationship?
While dealing with insecurities in a relationship can be challenging, with open communication and healthy coping mechanisms, you can strengthen your bond and build a more secure connection. Here are a few tips to follow:
- Prioritize open communication
- Look at your relationship objectively
- Try self-reflection
- Practice self-love
- Boundaries and respect
- Quality time
- Professional help