Signs of Codependency Issues & How to Break From It

Source: The Nourished Nest

Codependency is one of those commonly thrown-around words these days. Emotional codependency is not a mental disorder but a dysfunctional style of bonding that arises due to difficult relations early on with the caregivers or some attachment trauma caused during early childhood. 

Codependent relationships almost always feel like healthy, stable relationships at the beginning. Codependency issues occur due to the dynamic between the over giver and the one who is a constant taker. This kind of relationship has weak or no boundaries between the two, often leading to intense and confusing attachment issues at later stages of the relationship. 

The dynamic gets deeper when both the giver and taker are unaware of this underlying quality of them, and the giver’s personality is plagued by a lack of self-worth. Being in a codependent relationship is always because both partners are at fault, and one cannot just get away with it like it is just one person at fault.

Source: Vecteezy

If you have these signs in your relationship, you could be having codependency issues -

One of you is overly attached to the other. 

If you are a caregiver, you are more likely to feel this, although the taker feels about this thing too, but in a different way. The caregiver is overly attached to the point where they consider the well-being of their partner to be immensely important and their own as insignificant. Most of the time, it is unnecessary. The taker also feels attached to the care given by the caregiver. 

One of you depends on the other to feel good. 

It happens when the caretaker feels like their life depends on this relationship. They want to feel good, but they cannot feel good without the approval of their partner. Imagine having your self-esteem depend on the other person, but you don’t know about it. It almost feels like a silent cry for help. 

There is a lot of unspoken tension around each other. 

It doesn’t feel like there is space between each other. Without healthy space, relationships do not flow freely. When each other's presence starts feeling heavier, that's when you know there is a lot of tension around each other. 

“Self-care is selfish” is a strong belief of one or both partners. 

The caregiver wants to take care of themselves but feels guilty about it, and the taker wants to take care of themselves too but lets the caregiver do all the work. There is this unequal amount of give and take between the two making it seem as if self-care is selfish. The taker seems to be sour about the caretaker's freedom too. 

Excessive pleasing takes the front seat in the relationship. 

Due to a lack of self-esteem and low self-worth, the caregiver feels obliged to excessively please their partner at the expense of their values. It’s almost as if you know that they are doing something wrong or you feel uncomfortable about something but you feel obliged to stay mum about the situation.

The relationship no longer has the element of fun or happiness. 

Well, how could it have, after all, it has been based on a disorganized attachment style? One moment you all are happy, the other moment, you are all standing on the verge of breaking down. Both of you are in it because of your attachment issues. 

One of you seems to have no control over life decisions.

The caretaker will have no control over their life decisions after they have given priority to their partner's needs first. Is it always you who moves places for your partner for their jobs while you consistently keep ditching your personal goals and dreams? And it seems as if your partner doesn't even consider having a heartfelt talk before making such decisions. In that case, you could be fitting in the caretaker’s shoes. 

Codependency issues later go on to manifest as vicious cycles that are difficult to break due to the dynamics of the two people involved and the complexity of the emotions. In the early stages of codependent relationships, you can break free from it easily as acquired mental patterns can be dealt with the help of someone you trust or a therapist.

Source: Robyn Brickel

How To Break Free From Codependent Relationships

Set Healthy Boundaries

Codependency starts with a lack of boundaries in the first place. So to heal codependency issues in your relationship, you need to set healthy boundaries and see how your relationship pans out. If it can withstand these healthy boundaries, there is slight hope for the relationship to survive. 

Increase your Self Esteem 

See yourself as a worthy human being who has their own individuality. It’s all about seeing yourself in a different light. Once you know you deserve better, you will do better, and breaking from damaging relationships gets easier.  

Self-love is the Biggest Key

A lack of love causes a relationship to end, but a lack of self-love causes even greater damage. It can be a little difficult to love yourself when you have assumed your identity as someone whose worth depends on how you care for others. If you can share your love with others, you can love yourself too. Just try it.