The Invisible Burden: Unveiling the Unseen Mental Load Carried by Women

There’s a massive mental load that women tend to carry in their heads.  Studies suggest that the most of worry work is carried out by mothers and nearly 9 out 10 of them say they feel solely responsible for handling the family’s schedule. 

The day-to-day life responsibilities can be draining enough when you only have yourself to do. Mental load affects the health of women so you might even find yourself frustrated, distressed, and on the edge of burnout.

What I mean by the mental load is that invisible load carried by women, this load is made up of non-tangible tasks involved in running a household.

Keep reading to find everything you need to know about the mental load, and how to explain and share it with your partner.

The Mental Load of Motherhood

If you ask heterosexual couples with kids which partner is most likely to handle day-to-day responsibilities, it’s most likely that most would say the same answer, The mother.

As mentioned earlier, there are numerous studies suggest that women in heterosexual relationships still do the bulk of housework and childcare. 

Many couples even aim to split their responsibilities 50:50, yet for various socio-economic reasons and structural reasons, they end up allocating tasks along typically gendered lines. At last, the more hidden forms of tasks generally end up falling to the woman. 

In fact, according to the National Institutes of Health, for household responsibilities, women perform far more cognitive and emotional labor than men. 

However, a broader understanding of this unseen mental load and women doing household work can help couples manage the work more equally and also can help mothers lighten their load.

Common Example of Mental Load Carried by Women

When it comes to the mental load checklist, it comes in plenty of shapes and sizes. Here are some of the most common  examples of mental Load carried by women: 

Childcare 

When a woman raises her kids, there are often multiple types of tasks to perform. You may experience constant worry about your child’s physical and mental health, and guilt or concern over whether you’re being the best parent you can be. 

However, in such situations, you can try to share childcare tasks with other family members. For example, if you’re facing an upcoming deadline for an important work assignment, you can ask your partner to quietly entertain the kids for a few hours or you can hire a babysitter. 

Cleaning up

For example, you ask your husband, “Could you please clean up after dinner while I run to the store?” They agree. You return to see the remnants of dinner still lying on the table, with one difference, their dishes are now in the dishwasher.

Then you tell them the still-uncleared table, and they say, “Oh, I thought you meant to put my dishes away. You should have told me you meant the whole table.” This might look like a little thing to your partner but if this happens constantly, a woman faces a negative mental load. 

Using the last of something

As a mother, you probably have compromised many times when it comes to the well-being of your children and husband. For example, while making breakfast, your partner finished all the milk and only left one egg.  

He put the cartons back into the fridge without telling you that these ingredients were almost gone or mentioning them on the shopping list on the refrigerator.

The next day, when you make breakfast yourself, you find yourself without the necessary ingredients. 

Impact of the Mental Load on Career Advancement

Working mothers may be on the rise in the professional world but they continue to bear a disproportionate amount of household and parenting responsibilities. 

The 2017 Modern Family Index report commissioned by Bright Horizon concluded that mothers who are the primary breadwinners in married households are three times more likely than working fathers, who are primary breadwinners to handle children’s schedules. 

The mental load caused by managing all of this activity increases stress levels in women which limits productivity and long-term career success. This study paints a clear picture of not just overburdened women but of modern families bumping up against traditional workplace cultures, which have sadly failed to keep up with women’s professional development. 

When women are overstretched at home, they often feel like they cannot physically or mentally put in the extra hours demanded by their workplaces, so the gender pay gap continues to widen. 

In a larger picture, women are most likely to go for part-time workers, and in turn, they are less likely to get raises or promotions after having kids, making it even more difficult to pursue top jobs. In fact, it’s too far from taking on the second shift, and many leave the workforce altogether. 

How to explain Mental load to husband

When a mental load carried by women goes unshared and the issue is not addressed, it can lead to an elephant-sized point of contention in your relationship. That is why it is important for each partner to be mindful of the other and communicate regularly to avoid burnout and resentment.

Here are some tips on how to share your invisible load of motherhood with your partner:

1. Raise awareness about the invisible work:

The most important part is to bring awareness about your mental load. If it's not on your partner’s awareness, change will rarely happen, and burnout and resentment will continue. 

Without criticizing your partner, offer some concrete examples of what you are facing. For instance say “I often feel like I’m mentally exhausted and I’ve recently read about what it may be stemming from, it’s called worry work, and I’d love to share with you what I’ve been experiencing”. Later share some examples. 

2. Divide and decide with your partner: 

After you’ve discussed your mental load with your husband, it’s time to share the load. How you’ll do it depends on your specific family situation. If you have a partner who is not carrying the bulk of the worry work, instead he only responds with, “Just tell me what to do”.  

Try something different with him like tell him, I’ve noticed you always ask to help me so how nice it would be if we share responsibilities?

3. Lighten the load with advanced technology: 

Today, we have a lot of helpful technologies that can help us get the worry out of our brains and from a task list. For example, you can use Alexa or Siri to add items to your grocery list and set reminders. 

As a busy mother, you can also set up auto orders on grocery stuff such as toilet paper, laundry detergent, and pet food to lighten your brain load. Or you can try multiple types of apps for planning and organizing that are shared across the family. 

4. Let go of control. 

While the mental load carried by women can feel overwhelming,  for some women it may seem easier to just do it all instead of not getting done right. For instance, women can fall into the habit of gatekeeping when it comes to household chores. 

This may involve tracking, criticizing, or correcting the way her partner or child does chores, which may easily discourage them from fully engaging. 

So just try to let go of some control by discussing each of your strengths, challenges, and preferences. Allow every family member to try new things and be patient through changes. 

5. Keep checking in. 

The last tip to share the mental load carried by women is to have regular conversations with your partner. And keep in mind that these require patience, flexibility, and expressions of appreciation for both partners. 

Discuss upcoming stressful activities, ask your partner what their day looks like tomorrow, and then decide what he can do to help lighten your mental load. 

The final thoughts 

It’s not that only in your head you feel the mental workload exhausting, invisible tasks such as keeping a mental inventory of your pantry, deciding which extracurricular activities to enroll the children in, planning for family events, giving emotional support, and delegating chores are stressing in real. 

The mental load carried by women can definitely affect not only their mental health but also their physical health, so it’s important to be open about where you need more support from your partner. 

An honest and open conversation can go a long way toward restoring the balance between personal and professional life. 

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. What are the four stages of Mental load?

A recent study attempted to break down exactly what’s going on with mental load.  For this study, Harvard doctoral student Allison Daminger divided the mental load process into four stages: anticipate, identify, decide, and monitor.

Q. Who coined the term Mental load?

The term “mental load” was mainly popularised by Emma’s blog in 2017, but the idea behind the concept has been studied since the 1970s. In 1984, the sociologist Monique Haicault analyzed the idea of a “domestic load” that would systematically fall on women’s shoulders. 

Q. Do men have a Mental load?

Yes, men do have a mental load too. In fact, regardless of gender, we all experience a mental load. According to our role, the burdens may differ, but we’re all under pressure, we need to explain it to our close ones, understand it, and deal with it. 

Q. How to lessen the Mental load?

Sharing the mental load and promoting a more equitable distribution of household responsibilities requires a collective effort. Here are a few tips to lessen the mental load: 

• Communicate with your partner 
• Let go of perfection and focus on your strengths
• Let go of control
• Create a routine with time-blocking
• Break tasks into smaller steps
• Automate and streamline tasks with technology 
• Learn to say “No”
• Keep checking in.